You...

You. The soul of my poetry. Hidden between the lines.

You. The scream of my silence. Unheard by the ears.

You. The tinkle in my laughter. Reflected only in my eyes.

You. The sob that got caught in my throat. That tear never found its way.

You. My raison-de-etre. A constellation away.

You. My nemesis. Forcing me to live, day after day.

You. I hate. I love. I am indifferent to…

You.

Colors of life -Rewritten. Which one's better?

White.
Pristine white.
White as snow, white as light.
White as a cooling breath.

Yellow.
Blazing yellow.
Yellow as a field of dancing daffodils.
Yellow as an unopened leaf bud.

Red.
Sensuous red.
Red as unrestrained passion, red as love.
Red as blood.

Black.
Mysterious black.
Black as the night, black as sorrow.
Black as death.

Aah, my moods....they're many-a hue.
What about you?

The colors of life

White.
Pristine white.
White as snow, white as light.
White as a cooling breath.

Yellow.
Yellow as the sun.
Yellow as a field of dancing daffodils.
Yellow as an unopened leaf bud.

Red.
Red as anger.
Red as unrestrained passion, red as love,
Red as blood.

Black.
Black as the night.
Black as the pupil, black as sorrow.
Black as death.

Aah, my moods....they're many-a hue.
What about you?

Are you thinking about me?

Where are you tonight?
I’m missing you,
I didn’t realize I would.
It surprises me.

Who are you with tonight?
I want to know
I never thought I would.
Jealousy is not me.

What are you doing tonight?
I want to be with you
I pick up the phone to call, but I don’t.
My pride won’t let me.

What are you thinking of tonight?
Somehow I suspect
The same things are plaguing your mind
As are tickling me.

I’m thinking about you, missing you, wanting you tonight.

Are you thinking about me?

Of kisses and tender caresses.

I want to be held – close and warmly
I want to hold you.
I want to be tickled till I throw my head back and laugh
I want to laugh with you.
I want to be caressed – lightly as a feather
I want to caress you.
I want to be kissed – long and deep
I want to kiss you.
I want to be made love to – passionately, tenderly
I want to make love to you.

Will you? May I?...

It started as a tiny niggle in my tummy, started boiling a little while later, soon changed into a welling and has now enveloped me, hugging me so tight with its cold, clammy arms that it has become difficult to move, to even breathe.

Sadness. Born out of ennui, born out of loneliness, born out of sadness...

I have sat here for the last 30 minutes, in the same position- half hugging my legs, staring at the computer screen, yet seeing nothing, reading nothing, keying in nothing.

I have been looking beyond the pixelated plasma of the computer screen. I have been tracing the casing of the screen with my eyes. I have been thinking of my life. I have been thinking of nothing.

I sit here now thinking of all the good times I've had. The picnics. The dances. The laughter. The fun. The slumber sessions. The gossip hours. The cook-a-thons. The JAM nights. The birthday bashes. The just-because get togethers. I sit here now thinking of all the tears too. The break-ups. The heartaches. The he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not-why does-he-not-love-me sessions. The moan-groan sessions.

As I key this in, I think of long-lost loves and of the lives that could have been. I think of friends too busy with their lives to remember any of these things. I think of people, cocooned in their love, warming, brightening each others' lives. I think of people honest enough to accept each other for who they are, as they are. I think of people worried about looks and weighable beauty

I think of the constant attempts to snatch away my dignity. I think of what love is - and is not- meant to be.

A lone tear meanders down the arid landscape of my cheek...

The Cleaner

There he was, bent over, gathering the leaves on the sidewalk, scooping them up between two square planks of wood and dumping them into the forlorn barrow that stood lopsided because it had lost a wheel.
For some strange reason, I felt a tenderness towards the man. I saw him doing the same thing everyday, at the same place and at the same time. Because I crossed the same place at the same time, everyday.Only, he'd register on my radar and I'd go back to whatever it was that I was doing - driving/reading while being driven or tapping away a favorite melody.
This morning I was taking a cab to go to work. My car was held up at the workshop. And, creature of habit that I am, I turned around to observe him and saw him working away. Something struck me and I asked the driver to stop the cab.
I got off, no, not as you see in the movies with one leg out first followed by the next sexily stockinged one. I get off cars in a rather ungainly fashion. Both legs out first, but I digress. So I got out and started walking towards him, apprehensively, but purposefully. It was a short way off, so before I could think of anything, I was there, in front of him.
We stood there, face to face. Me, removing non-existent grime from under the nail of my index finger - aah, the comfort of the subconscious mind. He, with both square planks, shorn of their crunchy clients [I've been working too much on customer service!], looking at me, with one eyebrow shot up quizzically, a nagging suspicion reflecting in his eye.
I reached out to him with an extended hand and said, "Thank you."
He stared at me, his mouth agape. I pirouetted on my non-heeled shoe and with a spring in my step and a smile on my face, walked away.

The poltergeist

I toss and I turn
Trying to get some much needed sleep
There's something
A niggle irritating me, frustrating me
And I can't place it
I scream into the silence
A lone tear trickling down my spine
This is not me
I know me to be someone different
Someone at peace
...

The poltergeist makes its presence felt.

Anger...relief...

She reversed the car and banged into the tree behind. It didn't register in her brain which was, at the moment, a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions. There was too much activity in her mind and yet, yet, she was numb. She'd just heard too much. Things she wasn't meant to hear and she had.
That's why they say eavesdropping is not a good thing to do, came a voice struggling from somewhere deep within that chaos turning around in her brain. She laughed mirthlessly, stepping on the accelerator. The needle climbed 40-50-70-...
She was way, way above the speed limit. Yet, right now, nothing mattered. All she wanted was to get away, far far away from what she'd heard. Only, the problem was, she didn't know how to get away from her thoughts.The words reverbated in her head.
She tried switching the thoughts off by turning the music up loud. Some non-descript band was belting out something inane. She tried to listen carefully and realized it was her favorite song! She tried to sing along, hoping the sound of her own voice would shut out the noise in her brain. But it didn't.
She drove around aimlessly and very detachedly watched the fuel needle wind down, almost close to empty. From somewhere, a thought of stopping by at a fuel station flew past and she started looking for one. She peered out of the window and realised she's been driving in circles and was on the same route as her everyday one. Creatures of habit, she chided herself, do not venture too far from the normal. She drove a little further till she arrived at her regular fuel station and asked the attendant there to top it up. His smile comforted her. Aah! The comfort of the routine and the mundane.
She shifted gears and pulled out of the fuel station. Remotely the bright lights of the place registered in her mind and she tried to think about all the strings of beautiful lights adorning peoples' houses on Diwali. Those strings turned into a blazing fire, the heat of which she could actually feel. She thought of a fire tender dousing it out and felt some water spray on to her face and she felt a little calmer.
She heaved a sigh and wondered what it was that suddenly made her forget what she'd heard. She pulled over to the side, leaned back into the seat and put her hands on her face. Only to feel her cheeks burning and tears coursing their way down.

I'm beginning to lose my faith
The one person I thought I could turn to
At any point in time
Be it a cold day or warm night, is turning away.
I'm beginning to lose my faith
Is this the beginning of the end?
The end of my innocence
The end of my exuberance
The end of my youth
Is this the beginning of a new me?
A me that's a cynic
A me that's jaded
A me that's tired
A me that's faded
I'm beginning to lose my faith
And it's scaring the life out of me.

At peace?

I stare at the computer screen as I key away my thoughts. I'm sitting all alone, wondering WHY am I all alone. I'm smart, I'm "with it", I'm witty and can normally make people laugh, and yet, I'm alone. I'm lonely.

I normally enjoy my solitude, it gives me a chance to think, to write, to be, but there are times when I crave for human company. That's when I scroll down through my phone book, wondering who to call and who to go out with. And that's when it hits me. I'm alone. I'm lonely.

I'm lonely in a crowd, I'm lonely when I'm with me, I'm lonely when busy, I'm lonely when I'm free.

Somedays it brings me peace, somedays it brings me tears, somedays it brings me thoughts and words, somedays it brings me fears. Yet somehow, it doesn't kill me.

I'm at peace...or am I?

Am I...???

I wait by my phone,
Willing it to ring,
Flipping it open and shut,
Checking if it's switched on.
I pause,
Wondering what's wrong with me
It's as if I am
A dependent, a leech,
Someone without a life, without an identity of her own
It's as if I am
A person that never was.

Would you.

Would you run your fingers through my hair
If a breeze ruffled yours
Would you take me by the waist n twirl me around
If my hand brushed yours
Would you absently, gently, caress my hand
If I sat next to you
Would you kiss my unprepared lips
If I came close to you
Would you hold me close to calm my throbbing heart
If my hands trembled too
Would you make passionate, unabashed love to me
If my eyes asked you to
Would you...tell me,
Would you?

Disconnected...Discontented

Toon toon...she'd been unceremoniously dismissed - again - by the call being disconnected. Angry, she flipped the phone shut. This was the third time in the day he'd hung up on her. She wanted to catch hold of him and shake him till his teeth rattled in his empty head.

It's work, he told her. Should she believe it?She told him work comes first, but secretly she wondered if it was really who he said it was. Was it actually work? But if it was, and he was the boss, couldn't he tell them to hold on for a minute and say bye to her and properly end the call like a civilised person?

She wondered what it was that allowed him to treat her this way. When did she give him the right to treat her like a doormat?Where did he get off seeking answers from her to questions other women/other people asked him?"I'm not going to allow him to do this again to me", she said to herself, grinding her teeth by way of a promise. The next time he calls, I shall give him a piece of my mind and ensure he ends the call civilly.

...

Toon toooooooon...she'd been unceremoniously dismissed - again - by the call being disconnected.

Life, to me, today.

Exhiliration at being
Being me
Multicolored dreams on gossamer wings
Trying to be
Slow music on a 160kmph drive
Staying happy
The warmth of the sun, the fragrance from flowers
A buzzing bee
A bubbling brook, silence in a dense jungle
The roaring sea.

...
This is what today, at this moment, NOW,
Life means to me.