How do I begin to explain this numbness inside of me. One of my favorite cousins has been diagnosed with cancer of the lungs. 50% damage to each of the lungs. Someone who's never smoked her entire life. Never has had a drop of alocohol and is the one of the most pious people I know.

I've been in the hospital all day long. It's not sinking in. None of us is ready to believe it, yet we're going through the motions of getting her tests done, running around for reports, looking for alternatives and for different opinions. And she seems to have accepted it. She's been so calm the whole day. The only time I saw her buckle was when she asked the doc - 'how much time do I have?' This is a movie dialog. It's not supposed to be said in real life. Not by someone so full of life. Not by someone real. Not by someone I love.

As I write this, it's begun to rain. As I wonder what kind of an omen this is, the rain gushes through my door and sprays all over me. Is it God blessing us and telling me it's going to be alright?

I'm scared, yet I'm calm. I'm numb, yet I'm talking, laughing, breathing....

God, help me, help us.

Anybody who reads this...please pray my sister beats this. Please.

Darkness closing in from all sides,
Threatening to swallow the Sunshine there is.

Sunshine struggling to keep her space,
But how does she ward off this blitz?

Only, it is Sunshine after all,
And Sunshine shall by all means prevail.

To claim the piece of sky that is hers
And once again darkness, to smother Sunshine, shall fail.

I have faith in me.

Come all ye faithful...

I know now, I feel today what Jesus' followers must have felt when He was being crucified. Someone I know passed a comment on my spiritual master and it STUNG. So much that I had tears in my eyes.

Why do I believe? I just do. Because...

...I've seen people struck by paralysis walk away unaided.

...I've seen people with cancer be cured.

...I've seen a 3 year old who couldn't speak, start talking.

...I've seen a fragile girl speak in the voice of a man seething with anger...and I've seen her being transformed back into the sweet fragile girl she is.

...I've seen men of stature be made to wait and I've seen the poorest of the poor treated with utmost respect.

...I've seen - and felt - enough to be a believer.

Like I always say to someone who has way too many questions...Come be here. See and you shall believe.

Till then, zip it!

Changing hues...

Picture this...two smiling people...the lush of love...near perfect evenings...mornings, noons and nights...deep talks and long walks....exploring, discovering...a good measure of passion....the works.

Cut to six months or one year later. Now picture THIS:

Coffee growing cold on the table...hurt glances...two sulking people...'Can you do ANYTHING right?' 'I thought you liked my running all the errands and fixing your car'

The scenario of almost the majority of relationships.

WHY do we try and change the people we started out liking in the first place?Why do we try and mould our 'better' halves - either male or female - into who we want them to be, into who we are? Why do we become our own mothers and fathers and do the thing we fought with them for - nag the person we so love?

Why do we slip into ennui and forget to do the little things that so charmed our significant others? Why do we begin to get irritated with the little things we once found funny? Why do small requests become annoyances?

Why...????

Agan hai ye

Agan hai mere andar ek....
ya sukoon deti hai ya bhasm kar deti hai...
Junoon hai ek ye,
ya deewana kar deti hai, ya katl ki kasam le leti hai
[There's a fire inside of me, that either gives warmth or burns...It's a madness that can either make me crazy for you, or make me swear to kill you]

...A little dramatic, but the thought came when I looked at the stamp that the usher put on my wrist that gave me "bonafide entry" status at one of Delhi's watering holes.

...and some more...

Gar ye faasley na hotey
tum hamare aagosh me hotey
gam ka nishaan na hota
in aankhon mei ye sailaab na hotey...

Naazuk hai yeh lamha
na unhe yaad kar sakte hain
na unhe bhula paatey hain
gar haat chirate han to bewafa hain,
haath thaame rehte hain to bala hain!

Un gali koochon se
ab guzarna nahi mumkin
jin par hum tumhare saath chaley the
jab tum bin yeh zindagi hi kuch nahi
to voh mazar-e-ishq kya hai?

Bahut der tak
dekhi hamne raahein
jab aankhon ne band hona chaha
to is dil ne kaha
kuch aur der ruk jao
fir pata nahi sailab aata hai
ya aati hai khushi...
is hi firaaq mei baithe hain hum
dekhiye, kyaa aata hai!

These are some couplets I wrote in Urdu...

guroor kar baithe they ham
apni taqat-e-ishq par
sab bikhar gaya jab
nazrana-e-shikast diya mehboob ne!

abr ke sadr se paani nikla
to garaj garaj kar bola
hairaan hain ham dil ke tukre hazar huey
aur unki uff tak na nikli
[from the heart of a cloud, when it poured, it roared. I'm amazed, his heart broke into a million pieces, yet I heard nary a whisper....]

yeh faroz mere dil-e-noor ka
chandni se kahiye shikast maan le!
[The briliance of the light of my heart, Ask the moonlight to concede defeat!]

ik sada nikli is dil se
mere tukre na kariye
munh mora unhone
aur goli daag kar chal diye
[My heart begged of him - don't break me, he turned his face, shot at my heart and walked away]

had hui beyrehami ki
in ashkon ka voh jaam bana kar pi gaye!
[The height of cruelty, My heart cried and he drank the tears like he would a drink]

siql na bane mohabbat hamari
bahut koshish ki hamnein
aankhon ke sailaab par, afsos,
koi zor nahi hamara
[A mockery should my love not become, I tried really hard...Alas, I have no control over these torrential tears of mine]

is ishq ka soz hai
suraj se bhi tapta hua
aamad o raft me the hum yun mashgool
janaza-e-mohabbat ke hum khud hi haamil ban baithe!
[so engrossed was I in communicating with my beloved, i became the bearer of my own demise]

Nostalgic about something that never happened . . .

Walking through the breeze one calm evening
holding the hands I wish could hold once
I'm nostalgic about something that never happened

Feeling the touch I never felt
Still looking into the deep eyes I've never seen
I'm nostalgic about something that never happened

Feeling the pain of separation from
Someone I never knew
I'm nostalgic about something that never happened

Feeling her scent in every bit of me
And yet craving to smell it once in life
I'm nostalgic about something that never happened

Anticipating a response
to a proposal I never made
I'm nostalgic about something that never happened

Trying to forget
Something I never wanted to
Holding the breath, I had never taken
I'm nostalgic about something that never happened . . .

This is not something I've written myself. But it very aptly sums up what I'm feeling right now. getting nostalgic about something that never happened...

Much Ado About Nothing

ZZ...Zizou...Zi-dane...

Call him what you will...these are chants of love...of admiration...

And he's no fallen hero. What he did was justified. I stood by it on the day of the World Cup Finals when it happened, I stand by it today when reams have been written about it - SOMETHING provoked ZZ enough to butt head. We now know what that something was.

And even if it wasn't - the man who was the darling of the world and being felicitated by every FIFA, Tom and Harry of the world, was suddenly a pariah? Take your double standards and shoot them down the toilet, man! Did he suddenly stop being the football god that he is? Clearly not.

The golden cup be damned. Would you stand anywhere and listen to someone call you the son of a terrorist whore? I wouldn't.

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
but...I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

Feel pretty much like Alanis right now, standing in her shoes. It's funny, how lyrics/long forgotten words will come up at the most opportune moment...always the right moment.

Life...there's so much to celebrate. The last few weeks have gone by in a sad blur - but that's only because I've allowed my handle on my happiness be controlled by my circumstances. I forgot my own mantra of it's all in me. But now that I have it back in my control, I'm happy.

Amazing how only a couple of words can part dark clouds and clarity can - and does - come shining through.

I stand liberated, free and happy.

I'm every feeling, every emotion, every human, it's all in me!

'Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide'

Was listening to Roxette wail this number out some days back, and these words rang true, very true today. Guess the "back off" was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

Looks like it's a time for endings and new beginnings for me, as my tarot reader would say.

R.I.P.

And now I lay me down to sleep.

"Back off" said he.

"Sure" said she.

And that's the end of another could-have-been story!

People around me,
Clapping hands in laughter...with glee,
I sit there, quiet, lost in my own world,
Their joie-de-vivre does not touch me.

A rocking crowd,
Excitement all around,
I stand there alone, numbed,
Screaming inside, not a word from me aloud.

I'm trying to pull myself up,
I'm trying to push myself on,
I cant seem to shrug the sadness,
The noiselessness inside of me, keeps screaming on.

Mourn, world, mourn. France Lost :(

Unbelievable. I sat there, with my hands on my head. There was a split second of stunned silence in the restaurant where I sat with my friends watching the World Cup finals, before all hell broke loose, what with Italy's fans and supporters going completely berserk - some of them people in my own group. Yet, I sat there, quiet. Unbelieving.

For someone who's indifferent to sports, I picked up the basics of the game - and a love for it - pretty fast. And all my favorite teams lost. In quick succession. Argentina, Brasil, France. I couldn't believe it when that dumb referee gave Zidane a red card. Clearly ZZ had been provoked into doing the head-butt. Else, he'd kept his cool throughout. But obviously the @#$%^&* referee didn't listen to it.

And when ZZ walked off the field, all us France supporters fell silent. I guess we all knew what was in the offing.

Unfortunately, this was not a case of the best man OR the best team winning.

Not in my inexperienced eyes, anyway.

It never fails to amaze me...Now yet another of my male friends tells me people have been asking him if he's dating me! What is it? Why can a guy and a girl not be platonic friends?

And I try to look into myself to see if I can find any answers...yet I can't for so many questions that I have...Is there no one who can answer them for me? Is there no one who can help me take away this strange emptiness inside?

I guess I'm even more flummoxed and depressed after watching King Kong. It's such a sad movie. Unconditional love and where does it lead to? Such a sad end for the movie.

I was supposed to go out for lunch today. But AS told me that he had to work. I felt bad for him – working on a Sunday, when all you want to do is relax can never be a good thing, can it? Anyway, when I called later in the day, he said he was out! I felt like such a pile on. Why tell me he was going to be working, when he wasn’t? And if he really did end up working and got out sometime in the day, why not just call me up and tell me that he was done, but could not make it for lunch coz something had come up? Why can't people be up front? Why can’t they do what they say they will. Lip service. Why am I so different? When I say something it's like written in stone. No one can ever accuse me of saying something and doing something else. So why aren't other people like me?

Or am I expecting too much?

But, just like the baby not getting a response from the mirror, I get no answers.

Your hand in my hand
Intertwined fingers
Caressing each other
That spoke of the raging passion within

You across the room
Your gaze locked with mine
A message sent without words
Of rushing adrenalin

Closed doors
Whispered sweet-nothings
Leading to confusion
And now my world's in a spin...

Now my world's in a spin.

What is in front of my eyes? A blank screen, an unnerving quiet, shattered only by the colors dancing in front of my eyes. I realize these are the colors of my screams. Colors vibrant enough to blind...

A relationship - if that is what it's called - is supposed to make one feel special. Cherished. Cared for. Not on tenterhooks at all times. Not wondering and questioning all the time.

What am I doing here? Why am I subjecting myself to this? For the proverbial rainbow? That one act of gentleness after many of inflicting pain?

Today, the title of my blog reflects my being far deeper than I thought - or intended it to.

Today, I'm sad.

Cold, clammy fingers
Take a hold of me
Wrap themselves around my heart
Will they let me be?

Trembling legs that
Refuse to hold me up
Buckling under me
When I need them the most.

That little trickle down my spine
That belies my outward calm
Screams out loud and clear
Everything that I'm feeling right now...

It's plain and simple fear.

Jobless and all that

I've quit my job - without another one in hand. And I'm scared. I won't say it's exhilirating. I won't say it's liberating. All I felt was ...lighter...if that makes sense.

I'm scared. Coz if you know me, you know my bills :D. You know that I don't take money from my parents to pay my bills. So I'm scared about how I'm going to pay those.

It's not exhilirating. I've always been a workaholic. I always will be. Primarily coz I love what I do. And to think of even a week without work. It's NOT exhilirating.

It's not liberating. When you've been used to working 12 hours a day, the prospect of nothing to do - nothing that challenges your mind - is horrifying.

Why did I feel lighter? Because I felt I was - my potential - was being abused, misused and underused. Because I was unhappy where I was.

Right now - I'm just very scared.

Life

I'm 30 and pretty, I quit my job today, I don't believe in "boyfriends", I'm not a lesbian and tonight I went for a karaoke gig in a popular club here.

When I walked in, this normally no-room-tostand-even-lesser-to-breathe place was empty! Bar the farthest corner of the joint. For a minute I wondered if i should go back and then I thought, "what the heck" and stayed.

And am I glad I did! For about two and a half hours, I had a blast. Ok, so some were songs i hadn't ever heard and some were mutilated, raped and killed by the singer, but overall the evening was fun.

The question now, my friends, is did I sing? What do you think?

Of course I did! Why do you think I started this blog entry the way I did? People, especially women, life begins at 30, there's nothing more liberating than telling the people you work with that you have better things to do with your time and life - without a man - and then you go right ahead and do those things!!!

So, I sang. And I sang "that thing you do", I don't remember by who. All I know is I loved it. Doesn't matter how well you sing or otherwise. A karaoke night reminds you of the star inside you. So, I'll never be Lata Mangeshkar or even Madonna, but after tonight I know, I can pull off a that thing you do and have complete strangers pump my hand, telling me I was good!

:)

For the sceptics who're saying it mus've been the short skirt that did the trick, the "you sang well" came from a woman (Refer line1 again - I'm curvy, but I'm straight.) and the (pumped hand) you were good came from a man!

Anyone game for another karaoke night?